Do any of these enabling behaviors, often disguised as helpful behaviors, strike a chord? The opposite of an enabler is someone who prevents or discourages another person from engaging in destructive behaviors. The behaviors of a codependent person and an enabler can often share similarities, but they are not the same. When a person has a parent who is an enabler, the parent often relies emotionally on the child, which causes them to make excuses for the child or protect them from the consequences of their actions. An example of an enabler can be someone who supports another person’s alcohol addiction.
Keeping alcohol or other drugs accessible can make it difficult for someone with an addiction. It’s not easy for someone with substance abuse problems to avoid drugs or alcohol. The closer you are to a person needing help, the more likely you will enable them. Anyone could be an enabler without even realizing it. She specializes in helping those with sleep problems and anxiety disorders.
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Enabling can be hard to spot for the people within the enabling relationship. Making excuses can be one way you help cover up problematic behavior and keep your loved one from being held accountable for their actions. But in an enabling relationship, a person who’s used to being enabled will come to expect your help. “Enabling happens when you see a loved one making unhealthy life choices, so you assume the role of problem solver.
- But enabling happens in many other contexts as well.
- Enablers often act out of love, guilt, or fear of losing the relationship, but this behavior creates unhealthy patterns.
- They might think, “If I don’t step in, everything will fall apart,” but this mindset keeps them stuck in a cycle of overgiving while the other person avoids responsibility.
- But what my cousin--and those like her--was doing was not helping.
- It is difficult to compare an enabler and an abuser because they are two different things.
- It’s not easy for someone with substance abuse problems to avoid drugs or alcohol.
How Do I Support Without Enabling?
One way to stop enabling a person with a mental health disorder is by first educating yourself on their condition. Being an enabler can take a toll on a person’s mental health, physical health, and overall well-being. If they can rely on their enabler to keep them from facing consequences, it becomes incredibly difficult for them to build a healthier life on their own. Enabling another person’s behavior also can lead to them struggling for longer periods of time, since they never learn the skills they need to break out of the destructive cycle they are in. An overprotective parent may become an enabler when they allow their child, even an adult child, to neglect responsibilities or continue doing things that are harmful to them.
Enablers, even if well-intentioned, allow a person to continue destructive behaviors. Help them celebrate their wins and promote healthy behaviors by doing things that are beneficial for both of you. Setting boundaries is important in showing someone what you will and will not tolerate, holding them accountable, and avoiding the encouragement of destructive behaviors.
Try to be honest with yourself about those behaviors that might not have contributed to a solution. At the same time, it may be difficult for you to stop enabling them, which in turn might increase your irritation. By allowing the other person to constantly rely on you to get their tasks done, they may be less likely to find reasons to do them the next time. Enabling behavior might be preventing them from facing the consequences of their actions. You may also justify their behavior to others or yourself by acknowledging they’ve gone through a difficult time or live with specific challenges.
Understanding Enabling Behavior
They might think, “If I don’t step in, everything will fall apart,” but this mindset keeps them stuck in a cycle of overgiving while the other person avoids responsibility. They often step in to fix problems, shield loved ones from consequences, or avoid conflict, even when it causes them stress or exhaustion. This often happens out of a desire to help or protect close relationships, but it actually ends up preventing the person from facing the consequences of their actions or taking responsibility. An enabler does things that the person should be able to do for themselves. One of the distinct differences between a helper and an enabler is that a helper does things for others when that person can’t do it themselves. When the term enabler is used, it is usually referring to drug addiction or alcohol misuse.
Enabler: 9+ Signs of Enabling Behavior
When someone you care about engages enabling behavior definition in unhealthy behavior, it can be natural to make excuses for them or cover up their actions as a way to protect them. They may focus their time and energy on covering those areas where their loved one may be underperforming. Enabling behaviors can be common in codependent relationships.
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The road to recovery and change is almost never a spotless one, so it’s important not to guilt trip or shame them if and when they slip. When the person is ready to change--to get off drugs, leave a toxic relationship, make a monthly budget--you can be ready to keep them accountable if they ask for help. Give them ample space to talk through their thoughts and feelings. Let go of judgments and radically accept this person.
Signs of Enabling Behavior
When ‘helping’ others is unhealthy for you, it’s time to set firm boundaries Because you’re close to the person in need, you don’t want to believe they’re doing what they’re doing. It gives them permission to feel good about themselves, which is probably not easy for them if they’ve been struggling with unhealthy behaviors for a while. That doesn’t mean you condone their unhealthy behaviors; it simply means you acknowledge their intrinsic validity as a person. But if these “rescues” happen repeatedly, all you’re doing is preventing your loved one from learning the cause-and-effect pattern of their behaviors. Some of these “helping” behaviors might be okay if they happened only once and came with other, more concrete forms of support.
As with other behaviors, you can manage and change enabling tendencies. That is, accept that you’ve played a part in perpetuating unacceptable behaviors in your loved one and make a commitment to breaking the cycle. If this is sounding familiar, it may be time to reassess your role in allowing problematic behaviors to continue. The specifics can change, but at its core, enabling behavior tends to have some common themes. And it’s counterproductive to the person you’re trying to help. Often, people are unaware they are enabling their loved ones and have good intentions.
Enabling actions are often intended to help and support a loved one. You might feel torn seeing your loved one face a difficult moment. This is opposed to providing means and opportunities to continue engaging in self-destructive behaviors.
The more you spend time, energy and financial resources on others, the more effect it can have on your own well-being. There are consequences to our own well-being when we enable others.” “If you’re giving and giving and giving to someone else, eventually, you’re going to start running on empty.
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- Some of these “helping” behaviors might be okay if they happened only once and came with other, more concrete forms of support.
- Over time, this behavior can lead to toxic relationships, where one person becomes dependent and less accountable, and the enabler feels trapped or taken advantage of.
- If you find yourself instinctually siding with the addicted person at all times, you may be an enabler.
You’re looking to avoid conflict
The enabler might think, “I’m just trying to protect them from losing their job,” but this behavior only allows the problem to persist and delays the need for change. This might look like covering up their behaviors or lying to protect them. While the intention is to help, this behavior allows the harmful cycle to continue and can lead to burnout for the caretaker. A person who engages in caretaking enabling provides constant care to another person in hopes that they can protect that person from harm. For example, a narcissistic enabler might protect a narcissist from facing the consequences of their actions. Enablers often act out of love, guilt, or fear of losing the relationship, but this behavior creates unhealthy patterns.
Enabling behavior is often unintentional and stems from a desire to help. Sometimes it may mean lending a financial hand to those you love. You may find yourself running the other person’s errands, doing their chores, or even completing their work. They may skip the topic or pretend they didn’t see the problematic behavior. This may make you feel like your own needs have fallen to the wayside. More than a role, enabling is a dynamic that often arises in specific scenarios.
